The Ex Always Comes Back

In short, you’ve tried your best and gave it your all in the relationship.

In other words, you’ve been a caring, supportive, honest, persevering, dedicated boyfriend/girlfriend to that special someone. You cooked for them, you took time off just to help them, you bought gifts for them on every obligatory occasion, you stood by them, you lent them money, you took care of their every need.

Then, they cheat on you, lie to you, claim that they are unsure of what they want, dump you, trample on your heart and stuff it back into your mouth.

Do not fret. They always come back.

A real life case I have been dealing with recently involves a couple like this: the girlfriend neglected to contact her boyfriend for 4 months, she started seeing an Englishman, and then she thanked her boyfriend for the past memories, apologized for being so selfish, and wished him a happy life. You know, ‘the breakup talk’.

He was extremely upset as they have been together for 6 years in all. Depressed and dejected, he got addicted to gambling at our Marina Bay Sands.

He called me for advice. I told him not to worry. In the usual cliche ways of the world, she would get her heart broken by that Englishman and then she would realize the folly of her ways and then come begging and crying.

My prediction was validated last Sunday when she messaged him “I need you. I want you. I want us to be together like before again. Call me.”

Turns out her Mr Englishman is a divorcee with two children and he requested the girl to accept him as he is, and live together with his ex-wife and two children, under one roof in harmony.

So, what did I say?

Sample Closure Letter (Bad Breakup)

Dear [insert Your Ex’s name here]:

I am writing this now as a letter of relationship closure to you. Our [select one or many: lousy/on-and-off/unfulfilling] relationship (or wachamightcallit) [select one: is/has been/will be] officially **OVER** as of [insert Date here]. You will need to come in and [What the Ex Has to Do - For example: pick up their t-shirts] before [insert Date here] or [What Will Happen - For example: your t-shirts will be shredded and used as hamster bedding]

I want to thank you for our past memories (now that I think of it, mostly bad memories) and tell you how much I have NOT enjoyed having you waste my time. Please don’t hesitate to call if you wish to be humiliated by my [insert Current boyfriend’s/Current girlfriend’s name here].

Sincerely,
[insert Your Signature here]

Weight-Loss Ultimate Mantras

#1

If it makes you shit, it makes you slim

The keyword here is SHIT. The reason why your stomach is not flat is because of the shit you’ve stored inside. If you think you are fat, chances are, you’re constipated.  Ask yourself: Do I ‘bomb Hiroshima’ every morning at 8am?

Start by drinking lots of water. Also, eat fruits and veggies. I know you hate veggies. Tell yourself you’re only eating them because YOU HATE VEGETABLES~ That’s right, you hate them. That’s why you want to rid the world of vegetables by eating them, one stalk at a time.

Coffee is good too, but the sugar puts the fat back on you. So drink thick black coffee.

#2

Befriend a ShareBear

We all have a friend like this. The friend may be a him or a her, is shaped like a bear and will mop up all your leftover lunch. Know who I’m talking about?

You should designate someone as ShareBear in your group and hang out with that person often. The ShareBear will appreciate the free food and you will appreciate your friend’s erm… friendship.

If you don’t have a friend like this, get one. For tips on how to get a friend, read… another blog.

*ShareBear is not to be confused with Care Bear

#3

Turn anger into energy = ANergy

Do you watch Survivor, America’s Next Top Model, So You Think You can Dance, Miss Universe pageant and etc?

It makes MY BLOOD BOIL to see all these slim bodies prancing around on the screen. ARGH! That’s when I break out the skipping rope and start jumping for the next one hour (or however long the duration of the show is).

If you have experienced the same feelings of anger, why not turn our anger into energy today?

As a disciplined routine, you can set aside some days as ‘ANergy Day’ where you switch on the TV with skipping rope in hand.

Go on, try it and tell me if it works for you.

Top 10 Reasons to Get Married

1.       You love your partner and want to be with him/her.

2.       You already feel married in your heart, and a ceremony would symbolize your connection.

3.       The chemistry of being together generates more joy and aliveness than you experience individually.

4.       You feel at home, relaxed, safe, and free to be yourself in your partner’s presence.

5.       You share common interests, values and visions, and you communicate well intellectually and emotionally.

6.       You support each other to achieve your personal goals and visions.

7.       Your sexual connection brings you closer to your partner and yourself.

8.       The quantity of your joyful time together far exceeds the quantity of upset.

9.       Your life works better and you generate more success with your partner in it.

10.   You feel that life has sent you this person as a blessing and gift of love.

(Cohen, Alan. Don’t Get Lucky, Get Smart : Why Your Love Life Sucks – and What You Can Do About it. Marlowe & Company, 2007)

Apologies and New Cases

Dear Readers,

Sorry for the lack of updates. I have been dealing with a despondent advice-seeker who is currently struggling with his relationship. He has helpfully volunteered that I put up his love story as a point of reference for my readers. Unfortunately, up till now, I am unable to put into words the complexity of his four-year relationship which includes how she snatched him from under the nose of his then girlfriend, their separation when she had to leave the country for studies, his infidelity, her infidelity, the romantic proposal, their strategic manipulation of each other and many other things.

In the meantime, I welcome all readers who would like to contribute their own stories either for discussion or for reference or just as a way to express their emotions.

Thank you so much for your continued support.

American Joke

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman.

Two French men and one French woman.

Two German men and one German woman.

Two Greek men and one Greek woman.

Two British men and one British woman.

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.

Two Chinese men  and one Chinese woman.

Two Irish men and one Irish woman.

Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage à trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Irish men have divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they’re satisfied because the British aren’t having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her more nicely than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off the godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

How To Write a Dating Website Profile

Recently I got banned by a dating website. I don’t like mentioning names but it was a site that heavily advertised itself and had the words ‘Elite’ and ‘Dating’ in it.

I was brutally honest and simply typed the first thing that came to mind when I was filling up the form. I had a response from a Las Vegas millionnaire the very next day. However, to my dismay, when I tried to log in, the site claims that I’ve been banned and that if I wanted to know the reason, I should contact the site administrator! At first, I couldn’t understand why, but after some soul-searching,  I came up with some guesses.

Possibly because of mentions in my profile about me being “in a hurry to find love“, due to “biological clock ticking“, being “socially inept” thanks to “long working hours in bank”, and that i “will accept a virgin boy or whose bedroom score is below 2“, is “an aspiring vagabond“.

I think my profile probably read like this:

I’m in a hurry to find love because my biological clock is ticking. Years of working in a bank with long hours has rendered me socially inept, which is partly the reason why I find it so attractive to find a mate online. Who I am looking for. Looking for a partner-in-crime. Prefer a virgin or whose score is less than 2. I am an aspiring vagabond nowadays and would like to travel around the world for free.

What? Humor is unacceptable?

Right then, so far we have ascertained what is NOT ACCEPTABLE on a dating website profile. So everyone, if you don’t want to be banned like me, please DO NOT follow the bad example.

Now I will try to explain to you what is acceptable on a profile.

What is acceptable on a dating website profile:

1. Talk about how much FUN you are. Being fun-loving. Like to have fun. E.g. “I’m just a fun-loving girl who likes to have some fun.”

2. Talk about how casual you are. Combine fun and casual if possible, e.g. “I would like nothing more than to have casual fun with you.”

3. Talk about friendship. How you like making friends. How you have friends from everywhere. e.g. “I like making new friends, from all over the world.”

4. Notice how that sneaky little phrase “all over the world” actually hints at how well-travelled you are? People love that. If you travel a lot, it means that you’re rich.

5. Don’t just ‘like’, show-off how passionate you are about life by injecting “love” into your profile. E.g. “I LOVE travelling around the world!”

6. Better still, use the word “passion” or “passionate” in your profile. It hints at ‘sex’ in a very subtle way. E.g. “I am passionate about new ways to bring potable water and renewable energy to India!”

7. Mention ‘children’. How much you like children, and what you want to do for poor children in famine-striven and diseased countries. E.g. “The most interesting experience in my life was teach English to a class of young children while volunteering in church/in Thailand for my post-graduate research studies.”

So far so good? String them all up and you will have the model profile which goes like this:

“I am a casual and easy-going person. I just LOVE having fun and enjoying new experiences and making new friends all over the world! I am passionate about my work, which is to find new ways to bring potable water to India. God has given me so much. I think the purpose of life is to give back to society, which is why I spent 3 months teaching English to rural children while completing my post-graduate research studies in Thailand.”

Now attached a good photo of you beaming beatifically on a beach. Strong sunlight gives good photographs, remember that.

Good luck!

Advantages of Online Dating

Our lives are increasingly ruled by the internet, wouldn’t you agree that a typical day would probably include catching up with your friends on MSN/Skype/Yahoo Messenger, clearing out emails on at least 2 email accounts, checking out comments on Facebook, having a quick browse of blogs, news, comics, videos on Youtube, downloading music, playing games etc? Add to that the recent spate of recession and rampant unemployment occurring around the world, it’s no wonder that people are staying home and spending more time on the internet than ever.

So, what better time than now to find love online?

There is some confusion as to what constitutes online dating so I’ve taken the definition from Wikipedia: Online dating or Internet dating is a dating system which allows individuals, couples and groups to make contact and communicate with each other over the Internet, usually with the objective of developing a personal romantic or sexual relationship. Allow me to inject my interpretation of ‘dating’ as: the act of socializing with someone, often with romantic overtures.

In 2002, a Wired magazine article forecast that, “Twenty years from now, the idea that someone looking for love without looking for it online will be silly, akin to skipping the card catalog to instead wander the stacks because ‘the right books are found only by accident.’

Indeed, few things happen by accident, including finding that special someone to spend the rest of your life with. (Girls and boys, please stop daydreaming about bonding with a good-looking soul-mate while being trapped in a hijacked plane and surviving a near-death experience together. It’s not gonna happen.)

I advocate embracing the era of online dating and I think there are some significant advantages to it:

• Overnight, you will acquire the superhuman ability to date several people, within a short time. Juggling 10 boyfriends, in 5 time-zones and 3 continents have never been easier. Best thing is, they don’t even have to know about each other! Total freedom-no more coming up with stories about where you were and who you were with. Previously, you could be having dinner with James on Wednesday when Darren from Monday’s date called. You’ll have to hurriedly pick up the phone with a “Hey I’m sorry I’m having a meeting with my boss right now, call you back later.” Now you can chat with James online with the smug knowledge that Darren with the 16-hr difference time-zone has already fallen asleep and won’t be checking on you anytime soon.
• Chatting online is a great way to get to learn more about a person-without your lips, hands and genitals getting in the way. When the object of your desire is right in front of you, in close proximity, you get to smell, caress, kiss… and have sex. We all know once you bring sex is brought into the equation the whole relationship becomes based on nothing but lust and physical attraction. Not entirely conducive in getting to know someone right? Some might argue that online dating is phony, however, I find that online conversations allow people to open up in ways they might not otherwise do, in a face-to-face setting. Bounded by social conventions about acceptable behavior and opinions, few people would allow you to take a sneak peek under their usual façade.
• Dating someone online eliminates time and money-consuming behavior like shopping, dress-up, make-up, brainstorming acceptable topics for conversation, second-guessing whether he thinks you’re too materialistic with that Gucci bag etc. It’s also less stressful. Put on some comfortable clothing, switch on the computer, and you’re ready for some heavy-duty flirting! You could be digging your nose, scratching your armpits, and stewing in your own filth, smelling like you haven’t showered in 1.5 days (I’m just guessing you haven’t, because I haven’t) yet still make brainy conversation discussing the subtler points of Existentialism vs Objectivism.
• One massive benefit of internet dating is that it involves less real life repercussions if it doesn’t work out. If you don’t feel comfortable, just use this invincible tactic: right click, delete and block. No sweat! Normally, you would risk offending your family/friends/colleagues if they tried matchmaking you and it turned out to be a failure. Or you’d have to change your church/supermarket/club/bus-stop/workplace/wherever you may have met him so as to avoid him. With the internet, you can simply delete him out of your life and mind with three easy peasy steps. Now girls, repeat after me: Right click. Delete. Block. Well done.
• Another major advantage is increased safety, both physical and emotional. Still think it’s better to meet people in reality than in virtual space? Think again. Exchanging spit with a gorgeous stranger at a club exposes you to sex diseases you’d never heard about. One of my friends contracted oral herpes from kissing a guy at a bar and she deeply regrets it. Unfortunately, it’s incurable and will stick with her for life. Keep to virtual kissing, it’s so much more hygienic, really. And who hasn’t heard of date rape drugs? There is emotional safety because no one will ever need to bear witness to your humiliation, tears and heartbreak if you get rejected and besides, you’ve still have got 9 other boyfriends. You gain this ability to hide the embarrassment of rejection. Let’s say you confess your undying devotion to your online paramour and then he rejects you by saying that he just wants to be friends. Easy. You can claim “Erm, I think you must have misunderstood my meaning, when I said that I love you, it’s more like how God loves the world. Or the fuzzy way that one loves small furry animals. Yeah. Get over yourself, dude.”

With advantages such as more heartfelt interaction, cost-efficiency and less risk, I conclude that online dating is the way of the future. Go put up a profile on a few dating websites now! Or go update your existing profiles. Remember, like it or not, Facebook is a dating website too.

World’s Worst & Best Lovers

I found this online:

A poll carried out by onepoll.com and reported by Telegraph, Daily Mail and Hindustan Times (September 30, 09) asked 15,000 women to rate the world’s best and worst lovers by country:

WORLD’S WORST LOVERS:
1. Germany (too smelly)
2. England (too lazy)
3. Sweden (too quick)
4. Holland (too dominating)
5. America (too rough)
6. Greece (too lovey-dovey)
7. Wales (too selfish)
8. Scotland (too loud)
9. Turkey (too sweaty)
10. Russia (too hairy)

WORLD’S BEST LOVERS
1. Spain
2. Brazil
3. Italy
4. France
5. Ireland
6. South Africa
7. Australia
8. New Zealand
9. Denmark
10. Canada

What do you think?

Men You Should Not Date

Have you ever met someone who makes you feel like a giggly schoolgirl and who seems to dig you as well, yet suddenly, for no foreseeable reason, he bursts your bubble and then the romance just died off?

Let’s face it, when it comes to the M-business, men still hold the trump card.

Women move into serious relationship mode fairly quickly, especially if they know they have met the right one. Men, however, will simply marry the girl most available to them when they think they are finally ready to settle down. For a man to get married, he needs to be in the right ‘mode’ and that only happens when his life is in order : drawing a good paycheck, has had enough of playing the field, already bought a car and or house, and also, most likely when his closest friends are all getting married etc.

Getting a man to marry you is tricky business as it involves you having to grasp the proper timing and being there for him when he decides to propose. To save you from wasting time, here’s a list of who NOT to date if you want to get married:

• The Graduate
• The Divorcee
• The Virgin

The Graduate

If a man has just graduated from school, the most important thing on his mind will be to find a job, establish a career path, maybe set up his own business, earn enough money to clear off that staggering education loan first. Romance is not his first priority; money is. Come to think of it, why should you like him? He is likely to be dead-broke. So don’t waste your time dating someone who has no time (or money) for you.

The Divorcee

He is still nursing wounds from his last relationship. He must have had deep affections for his ex-wife, otherwise he would not have married her. When a marriage turns sour, men feel more disappointed and hurt than women.  Don’t trust anyone who tells you how much he hates his ex-wife. He’s secretly crying in the toilet at work. My advice for someone like that? Check back after 2 years.

The Virgin

Now when I say virgin, it could mean that this guy is a virgin or may be relatively inexperienced, perhaps having had only 1 previous sex partner. Men have got a sexual checklist, and it differs for everyone. One guy I know used to proclaim that he will not get married until he has bedded at least 15 different women. I don’t think he has hit his target yet…..

*Of course, what I’ve stated above are some generalizations and there may be exceptions. For e.g. in some cultures, it is very trendy for young people to get married as soon as they graduate from university, and one of my friends only wants to have sex with one person his whole life.